Job July 21, 2008

Searching for a new job.  This is so hard to do.  I have been without a job for over two months now.  And honestly I never thought I would be in the position that I’m in. I wanted to stay at my old job for at least ten years.  It is hard to think that I was working with those children for two years and now nothing.  I revisited some of the children the other day and it was very hard.  I lost it when one of the children came up to me and said “Miss Amber God loves you (tears were pouring).”  There are some things that I don’t miss about that job but I miss the children more then anything.  And to be frank that has been the hardest thing about not having that job anymore.  Those children meant more to me then anything in the world.  They taught me more about God then any pastor, worship leader, or any other adult in my life.  I really understand more of the bible becuase of those children.  I have been searching for a job since day one of leaving my old job and nothing seems to be happening.  I have had phone calls and many conversations with people in Nashville, TN but no moving forward.  I have had four interviews in Indianapolis and waiting to find out if things go through.  Even though things seem to be looking very up things are very hard to move.  Everyday is a new adventure because we don’t know where we are going.  We are living more by faith then we ever have.  It is very scarey but yet clearing.  We will be making decisions starting tomorrow on where and who to live if since we can’t make it on our own becuase the money has ran out. One thing that has been hard through all of this is I’m healing from pain.  And the only way I know how to heal right now is to have a wall around my heart and only talk to God, Jon, and my family.  

vista photo, thanks

To put my true feelings into words I think this photo speaks it for me.  My husband and I are standing in the light of God and showing everything to him to grow and learn.  That soon we will see where he is leading us to be able to grow buds and bloom into a beautiful colorful tree.  The mist of the early morning is the unknown of where we are going and how we are getting there.

Avoidance May 18, 2008

Have you ever had people tell you that you are avoiding them?  Well I have and I have a feeling that right now in my life a lot of people feel this way.  Well I have been thinking about his and honestly I don’t think it is avoidance I think it is the right thing to do. Another word that is familiar to avoidance is leave or escape.  Escape what a freeing word…..because we should escape every time to the Lord first and foremost before going to anything else.

It’s been me, the Bible, and God lately and I have learned a lot.  The biggest thing that I have learned is that has changed a lot of my thinking is this. You hear a lot all your life that when you are hurting that you should talk about it with people.  It helps to get your emotions out with family and friends before you explode.  I think that this is wrong.  The only person that I should talk to is God.  He is the person that we are suppose to take everything to.  He is the only one who can heal us from pain and all the hurt we go through.  He has been the only person who brought me through everything everyday.  He knew me before I was even born.  And right now the only person that I can love and trust and hold onto is God.

For those who think I’m avoiding and leaving them behind…..well just realize you aren’t going to help me in this time.  I’m taking it to God and no one else.

Let the scripture speak itself May 14, 2008

james 4:13-15

“Now listen, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.’ Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.  What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.  Instead, you ought to say, ‘If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”

My favorite verse in the bible…..and everytime I am brought back and reminded this.  It is true you must take it day by day.  You never know.  But God is always there and is always loving.

A dream bigger then me May 7, 2008

You know you always have dreams.  And then you set baby step goals to reach them.  This dream of mine is not mine.  That’s just it I feel it is God.  I could have never thought this dream of mine up all by myself.  I have some guidelines though on this dream. I have to stay focused on my real job and make sure that this dream doesn’t affect my work.  I know that God will show each step and give me the guidance.  I know I’m not really saying what this dream is but I’m trying to keep it that way until it is time to show it.

Loving Father vs Older Brother May 7, 2008

Last Week at Orange, Reggie Joiner spoke about the Prodigal Son in a way that I never thought of.  Well he broke it down into two parts, are you going to be the Loving Father or the Older Brother.  See when the prodigal son came back after living through so much and knew that there was no where else to turn but home.  Even though I think he felt like no one would ever love him again but he was wrong.  His father came running up to him and hugged him and threw a party.  Everyone was there at the party accept his older brother.  His brother was mad and honestly probably hated the prodigal son.  The older brother was jealous!  Just think though what if the older brother would have seen the prodigal son first and not the father…..what would have happen.  Well as a follower of God we need to think about our own actions.  Are you like the Loving Father and being preoccupied with the lost or are you like the older brother and preoccupied with yourself.  Are you throwing parties or throwing fits.  Are you leaving the lights on or closing the door and shutting off the lights.

I want to strive to be the Loving Father.  I want to be more worried about the Lost and Who God calls us to be.  We are the church of Jesus Christ the Son of the Living God.  I want to make sure that my focus is on what God is calling me to do and not what culture says the church should do.  My resource in how God wants me to be is Him with the great book…..the “BIBLE, yes that is the book for me, I stand alone on the word of God…..the BIBLE!”

Wow, I never really thought deeply about that song….but that is powerful.  We should stand alone on the word of God.  He has taught us so much on how He wants us to be and it is all in the Bible.  To quote Louie Giglio from Orange “I want people to be excited about opening the Bible, just like they are when they open an amazon package!”

Reflections of Early Morning April 22, 2008

So here it is 6:45 am and I have been up since 5 am.  I really really wanted to go back to bed but I knew I couldn’t because I had a 6 am meeting.  Well show up to the meeting and find I’m the only one that does show up.  I wait 20 minutes and then head to my next meeting at Java Haute.  Still wishing that I could go back to bed but instead I must stay awake.  So I find myself in Java with two men chatting at one table, the workers doing their usual run through of making coffee, and me sitting at a table blogging to the world.  So this quietness gets me thinking about my future, actually I have been thinking about this a lot.  I will be getting married in 46 days and so I find myself looking at a dream of mine that is about to come true.  This is going to be the start of family for me.  Which brings me to the picture above.  That is my flower girl in my wedding, her name is Lilan.  I love her! She makes me smile .  Lilan is my hubby to be cuz’s daughter, so I get to see her at every family gathering and everytime you will find me in awe of this little girl.  She makes me smile, laugh, and say “I want one!” Well I know slow down Amber and I know Jon and I are going to wait but there is a huge issue in my heart that hurts.  See about 4 years ago I learned I have PCOS which is Polycystic Ovarian Snydrome.  PCOS means that I have problems with my hormones and they don’t work right for me to have my monthly women stuff.  Well because of this problem I have to take the pill to keep myself regular.  Well this okay, but I can remember like it was yesterday when the doctor told me that when “I want to have children I’m going to have to seek help.” After she stated this I don’t remember anything else she said the words “Seek Help” kept popping in my head.  Seek help….in doctor world that means money to do things that aren’t natural in married life.  So what you are telling me is that when I get married and start having sex to have a baby that isn’t going to work?  What!  I not only have dreamed for a husband but a FAMILY!! A family for me is huge.  After finding out you have something, I did what most people do, I researched it.  Well I have found out a whole lot of stuff.

This is what scares me in my marriage.  I know that Jon and I both want children but what if I can’t provide one for us.  I know that we can adopt and that it will be just as wonderful but a part of me will feel that I have failed.  And I know that we aren’t failures because God loves us know matter what. So that brings me to a moment I had this morning.  I’m dreaming of the times with Lilan and find myself wanting a child but again am reminded of my PCOS.  Well I find myself thinking about Sarah and Abraham from the bible.  I bet Sarah felt like a failure so much becuase she could not have a child with Abraham.  And they prayed and prayed to God.  I can just feel the thoughts that went through Sarah’s mind because I already think the same thing. And then Abraham has some visitors from heaven and say that His wife is going to have a child….and she laughs.  I feel you Sarah….I just know that Sarah was like right, I have been praying for so long and God hasn’t answered the pray yet and now that I’m old he wants to bless me….whatever……everything doesn’t work right anymore.  Well sure enough she did.  She had Isaac.  Well I can’t give up and I can’t give in to my negative thoughts.  God can do anything.  That’s another thing about Lilan that I love…..her mother has the same thing as me.  I don’t know how long they tried but Lilan came.  Her mother told me that she just stopped taking all meds and gave it to God and next thing she knew…..Lilan.

Lord, thank you for life and being so close to me.  You bring me so close to your heart and fulfil my needs and wants in your timing.  I just need to be patient and believe in you fully where the heart overflows to know you will fulfill my heart desires.   I love you and can’t express myself enough for what you do for me every day.  Thank you Abba.

Wambluance April 16, 2008

So I’m so excited to be writing my own curriculum for the Children’s ministry.  I find myself spending more time in the word and really loving every minute to learn more about God.  Also it has helped me grow with more responsibility in my leadership role but some things have changed in the last couple of days.  It has come to my attention that I’m apparently neglecting certain areas in the ministry.  So the curriculum writing needs to apparently stop.  To be honest I really understand and see that yes there is a need but a part of me is hurting because something I’m passionate about is being rip out of me.  I only get to write my own stuff for one more month.  I can see that people are only trying to protect me but this adds more stress to me that I have to find a curriculum because I’ve already searched and tried many things and they all were awful.  So it’s back to the drawing board of starting back at square one.  This is probably a blessing in hiding but right now I don’t feel that way.  My thoughts continue to think things like this “I’m a children’s director, just like a pastor to adults, don’t pastors write their own stuff?”  and “I now have to find stuff that I will have to completely rewrite and vamp to met the children’s needs.”  and “Curriculum is gift that God gave someone else to help children.” and “i hate wasting money on curriculum that doesn’t work.”  Granted most of this stuff is negative but I also have positive thoughts like these…..”I would evently probably get worn out so others are watching out for me.” and “…………….”  Okay my thoughts right now are more down and negative and depressing but I know that God must have some point in this mess of my thoughts.  Someone wrote to me last night another fellow Children’s Director…….does this headache ever end?  And my response was No it doesn’t end but we must move through the pain and take Sundays with the kids as aspirin for the week of the stuff that causes pain.  If last night I was around my brother he would have said to me that I was being a wambulance……a person that whines and has no reason too.  This is a blessing…..Right?

Fuzzy Outer Seed April 8, 2008

Tuesday is the earliest day of the week that I wake up. I get up at 5am for a meeting at 6am. After an exciting night of my friend and maid of honor in my wedding getting engaged and being up with her and hearing the story you would think I would cancel my meeting. And I also thought that I would be very very tired and not make it to my meeting. I have had two really full days and looking ahead to Tuesday was not going to be fun becuase I had three meetings all before 11am. Well Tuesday has been amazing!

I arrived a little late to my 6am meeting but when I got there I found that my volunteers had started the meeting without me. This was great because they were moving right along just chatting away on the new things to move Club Rock forward. Since Sunday things in the people I work with are just exciting. To see the aren’t burned out they have found energy. And then having them tell me that they see a huge improvement in me and that I’m moving forward was a huge encouragement.

Then moving to my next meeting I had an hour to spend alone with God. I love these quiet times with God especially lately. I found him showing me so much in watching people and hearing conversations. Well i was at Java Haute and watched the workers (one which goes to my church and the only I have never seen before). They were happy and chatting away and as soon as they saw a car pull around they would say the name of the person and excatly what they would want before they would even order. The community of this little coffee shop brings such joy to my heart. To see that they care and love on every single person that walks in the door and knows them all by name.
It reminds me of how God knows all of us by name and gives us what we need at the right time. And that he cares and loves on us even when we don’t think we need it. As the people walked in they two workers would greet with a smile and would ask “How are you?” And I noticed they truly wanted to know unlike a lot of people now a days. I give these workers a huge prayer of thanks and huge hugs from my soul.

Well my next meeting starts and is such a delight and answered prayer. I have been praying and searching for a mentor for so long. And I have found one finally with some help from some great women I know. Well anyway, I love my mentor and even though we have only met for a couple of weeks she has open my eyes so much. Again another person in that truly wants to know how you are doing. All I can say is thanks Lord.

Finally my last meeting. As I walked in for this meeting I saw a face I knew. This person is a new friend. She has been going through stuff and to see that she was at the same place at the same time as me was uplifting…..not only for me but her also. I asked her how are you and she said “I wish I was at home wrapped up in a blanket watching chic flicks.” She said she just didn’t want to talk but I could see that she was in need of a smile. So I smiled and just chatted about cool little things that God does while we waited….I saw some turning around in her mood but then we had to go our seperate ways. Another great meeting…..but as I walked out of the building my friend was too and we both agreed that we need to hear things we already knew. As I looked down as I was talking to her I noticed a fuzzy outer seed from the dogwood tree.

This seed was so small and spread open like a butterfly…….this made me smile and thank God. This seed just reminded me that God wants us to soar with Him. And today for me, I have been soaring with Him and “It was Good!” (Genesis 1)

Kids Choice Awards March 30, 2008

Kids Choice Awards on Nick.  This award show is always full of SLIME, yes you read it right SLIME.  I really enjoy watching and hearing about these shows because it is research for me.  I find that watching over 1000 kids make choices and getting to slime hollywoods most paid is great.  It’s like America’s only way of letting children show they can make choices too.  One of the highlights for me was when Cameron Diaz got on stage to get the kids to repeat after her.  Now at first I thought it was going to be all about the earth and that she was going to make them promise something like “I will always pick up trash and recycle.”  but no it was way better.

Cameron had the kids say quietly first “We are the future and the future is bright.” Then they yelled at the top of there lungs “We are the future and the future is BRIGHT.” Wow, to think she had all those children say that.  She probably didn’t even realize that there is so much  meaning in that.  I know that every chance I get I’m telling the children that they are the future and God is the light that shines in them.  They are the future and the future is bright.  Just think if every child knew who Jesus was and changed the world.  This world would be very bright.  Bright with love and compassion.  I pray that the people of the world would realize that the children are the future and we must teach and show them who the LIGHT truly is.  I believe that the children are going to change the world one step at a time.  They are the future and the future is BRIGHT with GOD as the LIGHT!

Images March 26, 2008

I find myself caught in a whirlwind of love and chaos.  I have all these good things happening around me all at the same time and it’s hard to soak it in.  Right before I go to bed I find myself thinking of the day.  It’s a bunch of silent white images until I explore them and then colors begin to pop out.  Every day things pass by so quickly it’s like I’m living in a black and white movie until bed time and then color is added.  These colored images are images that God is showing me in people and things.   This past Sunday was a prime example for me, I went home right church services and cried…..I mean cried, I haven’t cried like that in a while. And just felt that everything in me was dark and wrong. That night before I went to bed I found myself rethinking about those tears. The images in my head began to receive bright colors from children running, smiling, and excited to be at church.  They didn’t care that stuff went wrong or what was said…..it was to be in a room with people who love God and love them.  I found myself in awe of these children and wanting myself to go back to childhood to feel that love from God again.  I know though that God loves me the same today as He did yesterday but being a child of God now seems harder.  It’s only harder because I make it harder.  Life as an adult is to fast and full of distractions.  I need to take the white and black images and turn them into color by slowing down.  But how does one grasp the slowing down?